THIS WEEK IN
TRUMPLAND, a sixty second primer on the path to Armageddon: “year in review”
edition
January
Donald Trump
becomes the 45th president of the United States, triggering huge anti-Trump
protests and marches throughout the world
In his first
week in office Trump lies about the size of his inauguration, orders a Muslim
ban, and deletes the death of six million Jews from his holocaust remembrance
message
February
Trump threatens
to invade Mexico, instigates conflict against Australia and takes U.S. to the
to the brink of war with Iran
Michael Flynn
becomes first casualty of Trump administration
Pipeline
protesters at Standing Rock are arrested, ICE agents arrest patient awaiting
brain surgery, and protections for transgendered students are rolled back, all leading
Steve Bannon to declare that “everything is going according to plan”
March
In his first speech
before Congress, Trump promises increased investment in women’s healthcare,
even as Congress introduces bills to criminalize abortion, defund Planned
Parenthood and repeal the ACA
Jeff Sessions
lies to Congress about his contact with Russian officials and is confirmed as
Attorney General anyway
HUD Secretary
Ben Carson claims that slaves brought to America from Africa were in fact
immigrants with dreams of a better life for themselves and their families
Trump budget
director claims cutting meals for senior citizens is “compassionate” and Paul
Ryan declares he’s been dreaming of Medicaid cuts since he was "drinking out of
kegs"
April
Jared Kushner
and Ivanka Trump officially become White House advisors
In a “penis
substitute” exchange, Kim Jung Un shows off large bomb in North Korea parade
and Trump orders U.S. military to drop “mother of all bombs” on Afghanistan
Bill O’Reilly is
fired from Fox news after more than a dozen sexual harassment lawsuits
Trump threatens
to change Senate rules for passing legislation, Rex Tillerson threatens
military action against North Korea, and Trump boasts he has the highest TV
ratings “since the World Trade Center came down”
May
Trump fires FBI
director James Comey
Robert Mueller
is appointed special counsel to investigate RussiaGate
Secretary of
Agriculture moves to end healthy school lunch programs to “make school meals
great again”, Idaho representative Raul Labrador claims that “no one ever died
from lack of access to health care” and Oklahoma representative Mike Ritze asks
whether “we really have to educate non-citizens”
Melania famously
swats away Trump’s hand during foreign trip and the Pope’s face registers
hellish horror during a Trump photo-op
June
Trump pulls the
U.S. out of the Paris climate accords
Eric Trump tells
Fox news that Democrats “are not even people”
Trump derides
London mayor after U.K. terrorist attacks and tells the Iranian people that
terrorist attack on their soil “serves them right”
Sean Spicer
walks the plank
Covfefe
July
At an event with
the Indian Prime Minister, Trump claims U.S. and India are believers in public
accountability, and then bars all questions from the press
Trump election
panel asks states for their voting roll data and 44 of 50 states say no
Trump states
that the Mexican wall must be transparent so that Americans are not hit on the
head by the sacks of drugs Mexicans will be throwing over it
John McCain
casts dramatic deciding vote to defeat repeal of ObamaCare
August
After White
Supremacy rally turns violent in Charlottesville, Trump defends the “very fine
people” of the alt-right and blames liberals for the violence, causing former
KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to compliment Trump for his “courage”
Steve Bannon
resigns
Newsweek reports
that less than 80% of Bernie Sanders supporters voted for HRC, and that 12% of
Bernie supporters stunningly voted for Trump
September
Trump pardons
racist Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio on the eve of Hurricane Harvey to “maximize
ratings”
Trump ends DACA
protection for children whose parents came to the U.S. illegally
Justice
department underlines systemic racism in America by refusing to prosecute
Baltimore police officers responsible for Freddie Gray’s death
Twenty-eight
year old former model Hope Hicks appointed White House Communications director
Health and Human
Services Secretary Tom Price walks the plank
San Juan mayor
Carmen Yulin Cruz begs for help and supplies to combat hurricane damage, and Trump
responds by hurling insults at her and Puerto Rico
October
Domestic terrorist Stephen Paddock kills dozens of people in
a rampage in Las Vegas and Republicans warn this is no time for a national
debate on gun control
Secretary of
State Rex Tillerson calls Trump “a f***ing moron”
Trump wages war
against NFL players who take a knee to protest racial inequality
Harvey Weinstein
exposed as a rapist and sexual molester, which starts an avalanche of women
finally speaking out and gives birth to the #MeToo movement
Department of
Education rescinds seventy-two policy documents outlining rights for students
with disabilities
November
A federal court
blocks Trump’s transgender military ban
Trump campaign
chairman Paul Manafort and his partner Jim Gates are indicted
Energy Secretary
Rick Perry claims fossil fuels can be used to limit sexual assault
EPA head Scott
Pruitt replaces scientists on EPA advisory board with oil and chemical
lobbyists
Upon hearing
that neither George Bush Sr. nor Jr. voted for him, Trump attacks their
presidential legacies
Trump endorses
accused pedophile Roy Moore in Alabama senatorial race, and claims he turned
down being Time Magazine man of the year
December
Congress passes
sweeping tax bill that adds $1.5 trillion to the deficit but provides massive
tax cuts to businesses and to wealthy individuals
U.S. Supreme
Court upholds Trump Muslim travel ban
In a photo
finish, Doug Jones defeats Roy Moore in Alabama Senate race
U.N.
overwhelmingly condemns Trump’s decision to move U.S. Israeli Embassy to
Jerusalem despite Trump threat to cut off aid
RussiaGate
investigation intensifies and Michael Flynn makes plea deal with Robert Mueller
